


How to stop dreaming?

by dehlshdlv



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Dreams, F/F, angst - kinda?, no fluff though, squint for NaJeong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:07:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28697427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dehlshdlv/pseuds/dehlshdlv
Summary: Where Hirai Momo's having persistent dreams about her unresolved past, Myoui Mina.Or where, Minatozaki Sana is left loving the empty shell that Hirai Momo has been.
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana, Hirai Momo/Myoui Mina, Minatozaki Sana/Park Jisoo | Jihyo
Kudos: 18





	How to stop dreaming?

“I dreamt of her again.” Momo told Chaeyoung, the latter shot her head up and looked at Momo dead in the eye. The tip of her charcoal pencil scratching across the coarse surface of her drawing pad, but she paid it no heed. Too engrossed with Momo’s recurring story, more than the artwork she’s supposed to submit a few hours from now. “It’s the same story, the same ending. She asks to come back to my life, and I refuse.” Momo sighs and massages her temples. “Do you believe me when I tell you I really don’t?”

“Really don’t what?” Chaeyoung breaks her silence and Momo sighs. The same one she’s doing every time she’s confronted with this topic. It ends on the same note. Inaction. But Chaeyoung couldn’t hold it against Momo. She knows saying that it’s just the way that Momo is would be nothing but a lie - people are capable of change, but Momo is… Momo. Dealing on her own things in a specific Momo way. She doesn’t judge others with whatever stupid decision they may bring, this is the least thing that Chaeyoung could do for her unnie.

“I really don’t want her to come back, and if she does, I wouldn’t accept her.” Momo simply answered.

“Then, I believe you, unnie,” Chaeyoung truthfully said. “I’ve read it on the internet one time, they said if you keep on dreaming about someone, they must be manifesting you.” Chaeyoung cheekily said. Momo simply shook her head, she knew Chaeyoung believed in these things. And as much as logic dictates that these things couldn’t possibly exist, a part of Momo still pondered on the information.

“Manifest me?” Momo bitterly chuckled. “No way in hell, Chaeyoung.”

Momo couldn’t think of the possibility on why she would ever want to talk to her. Their separation was hardly cordial, there was hardly any word spoken either. Momo could’ve accepted a mouthful of lashing, or an hour of blaming – but not the stubborn, and immutable, silence, or the slightest nod of approval in Momo’s plea for separation (they weren’t even in a relationship). Everything that Momo loved about her, became everything that brought their demise. Momo thinks why she would ask her to stay when she couldn’t make her. Momo thinks she should’ve taken the first route out when she came across it, but she didn’t.

She pleaded for separation, while she mutely asked for her to stay. Momo didn’t have the heart to hurt her – maybe, that’s why it came in the expense of her own pain.

“You seem lonely again, Momo-ya.” Momo hears a voice. She shoots her head up, and she could almost swear, that the sun has descended to meet her by the eye. Sana’s smile graced Momo’s vision. The woman’s pastel pink sweater, and bubblegum hair is probably the personification of the sun. Warm, guiding, blinding, and would burn you if you’d come closer.

Momo is contented with the distance.

“I’m not.” Momo’s quipped answer, “I’m just thinking of a problem that my friend sent me.” Sana took the seat next to the empty chair beside Momo. Sensing that the latter probably didn’t want her personal space to be invaded.

“I want to say that you’re probably unfortunate,” Sana softly speaks. “but I could understand you.” Momo smiles a little and nods. No one could really understand her. Not even if Sana tried to. “You’re thinking that I don’t understand you.” Sana remarked, Momo looked like a deer caught in headlights, but she only chuckled in response. “I really don’t. No one could understand anything without having any form of information.” Momo cocked her brow.

“Well, you’re right.” Momo said. “You’d make a great psychologist.”

“That’s an honoring statement coming from you, someone who is so averse on being read.” Sana joked, finally there’s a ghost of a smile forming on Momo’s lips.

“What does it mean if you keep on dreaming about someone?” Momo finally questioned. “I presuppose that you’re the best person to ask around here. You know, since the human psyche is one of the things that you try to learn.”

“Do I have to go in depth? That’d be tiring.” Sana said. Momo shook her head. “Then, to put it simply, you keep on thinking about that person.” Momo shook her head once again. “Or unresolved baggage that’s been left unanswered?” Sana offered, Momo simply sighed. “I’d have to know actual information if you want me to deal with this, Momo-ya.” Sana whined. But Momo simply chuckled.

“That seems like a lot of work.” Momo says, _and_ _I’m not ready for it_ , she thought inwardly.

Momo couldn’t exactly remember the first time she met Sana. But she could remember that somehow, even Sana’s arrival in her life was influenced by Mina. When the latter visited their campus, along with their common friends, Momo tried so hard to hide from them. No one really knew what they had talked about, and while Momo wants to delude herself that it ended in a good note, it’s a lie. She doesn’t remember where Sana enters the story of her life and picks her up like a stray kitten. She doesn’t even know that Sana’s her classmate in Philosophy, and that she’s the girl that sits a seat away from her. She’s virtually unnoticed by Momo until some fateful encounter that Momo couldn’t even remember (but Sana does, if you’d ask her every information about it, she could probably tell you even the color of Momo’s jacket the day she hid in the library of the Psychology department, looking for von Neumann’s The Theory of Self Reproducing Automata). Momo couldn’t remember most of the things that happened to them, it was mundane at best, but Momo could ascertain that it’s a part of her routine. Like some higher order that Momo doesn’t have to think about, and Momo does a lot of thinking, a lot of it that it’s stifling.

Momo finds herself waiting by the steps of the College of Psychology, and as a flurry of people pass her by, she would feel a warm touch on her shoulder, only to look up and be blinded by the sun twice.

Maybe, Momo finds relief in Sana’s presence because she’s everything that Mina wasn’t. She had a lot of questions, Momo isn’t fond of answering questions, Mina never asked. Sana doesn’t know anything about Momo, Momo isn’t fond of introducing herself, Mina knew Momo like second nature just by mere observations. Maybe that’s why it was easy for Momo to slip into silence while being surrounded by Sana’s noise, it was comforting (for Sana, it’s concerning). For all the things that Sana could bravely speak about, perhaps, the only thing she can’t voice out (and it’s the most important one), are the questions that would only bring her to her impending hurt. Maybe, that’s why amid Momo’s indifference, and the dark consciousness that gnaws on her hopes a little more each day, she chooses to stay.

Sana thinks it would be wonderful to love Momo when she isn’t the empty shell of her being. She could only wish that she’d be able to witness even the faintest of the most genuine smile that the latter can muster.

For Momo, it was another night, another dream. But while Mina’s presence has been haunting it, it lacked the essence of her every dream – Mina asking her once again for a chance Momo isn’t willing to take. For the first time, Momo couldn’t hear Mina’s vivid pleas, or her eyes vapid of everything but regret, but she could see her presence. Mina is tangible enough in her dreams. But what was even more concrete, was the lap that Momo was resting her head on. She peers her vision towards its owner, before the hands of reality could bring her back to Earth, Momo was able to see her. For the first time, Sana haunts her dreams, or this is the only time Momo noticed her living in it, too. And even in the deepest parts of her consciousness, Sana’s being was clothed in light and warmth.

(That night, Sana was dreaming of Momo’ smile. On the other hand, Mina wishes Momo musters the courage that she used to have, and hopes she could be truthful enough in Momo’s another step for her)

“Isn’t it unfair that one could take everything that made a person with them when they leave?” Chaeyoung and Momo threw Sana a look. Chaeyoung shakes her head but never comments, Momo nods her head ever so slightly in agreement.

“I guess so.”

“That only happens when you give them enough power to do so.” Chaeyoung replies.

Sana felt the tension thicken with every passing second. Chaeyoung’s jaw had tightened, not from aggression, but from holding back words Momo should’ve heard. Momo leaves the vicinity and Chaeyoung sighs.

“That’s all she does.” Chaeyoung shakes her head in annoyance. “It’s tiring to talk some sense into her. Is it that hard for someone to take a leap of faith?” For some reason, Sana felt selfish enough to wish that Momo never takes it.

Momo finds herself again in front of a pool. No one knows to find her here, no one knows how much she loves the water as much as Mina did. She takes something out of her pocket, a faded picture. She waits for the impending tear to roll down her eyes, but there was nothing, instead a sigh emanated from her lips.

“Could’ve been great.” Momo whispered. She crumples the picture and throws it as far as she could, she immediately takes a dive scouring the pool floor for the crumpled paper. The blue environment was beautiful to live in, for a moment, Momo wanted to live forever in its depth; its guided, yet humanly stochastic, path is a beautiful feeling to live into – she doesn’t have to think where she’s supposed to go. As she threw the paper, she thought she wanted it gone. But why is she wasting her breath and time looking for something soiled and tampered by water? This realization made her decide to rise to the surface, she relented with the water’s force and let it bring her wherever it intends to be. And when she wasn’t looking, the picture finds itself sliding across Momo’s palm, as if returning to where it belongs. But another bitter reality comes to sink to her, when her visions start to morph into a different woman – one who looks like she brought light on Earth.

Sana spent the whole night looking for Momo. Scouring for everywhere that she may possibly find the woman, but to no avail, she never did. As she took a seat by the school’s bench, she encountered Park Jihyo on her way home. Sana waved to the woman and a smile slowly made its way to Jihyo’s face.

“Hey, long time crush.” Jihyo greeted, Sana was flustered with Jihyo’s remark.

“Jihyo…” Sana trailed.

“What? It’s true. What made you stay here this late, Sana-ya?” Jihyo inquired, taking the seat next to Sana.

“I was looking for Momo.” Jihyo mouthed an O.

“Well, she might’ve gone home? Come on now, Sana-ya. It’s late and cold, it’s not good for your health. You look quite pale, too. You haven’t eaten yet, no?” Jihyo pulls Sana and takes her to the nearest diner.

For quite some time, Sana haven’t felt having real conversations. With Momo, it was Sana doing the talking, and Momo listening. Sana had probably told Momo everything she likes, from food to book, or didn’t. But if you ask Sana about Momo, all she could ever tell you was her personal observations of the latter. Sana didn’t know how weird that setup was until she had Jihyo who was as eager to know her as she is to people. She knows Momo doesn’t mean to, but most of the time, Sana feels like the former doesn’t want her presence around – it’s like Sana’s insisting herself to a person who’s just lonely enough to accept anyone who comes and goes to her direction.

The next morning, Sana doesn’t see her. And the next morning, too. But in her dreams, Momo is as vivid as ever, she could feel the latter’s touch in the tips of her fingers, or hear her laugh trickling down her ear as if the planes of reality have shifted and she lived in a world where Momo is willing to hold her. Dreams were far more promising, but Sana didn’t know they can carry the reality that she wanted to live.

(Every night, before she sleeps, Momo wishes that Sana finds her once again, in a circumstance that she remembers. As much as she tries to comfort and lull herself to sleep with the ghost of Mina’s being in her mind, it brings her back to Sana and the lush sidewalk bringing them to the nearest bus stop. Mina’s sleep was dreamless as ever, no matter how hard she tried to think of Momo before Hypnos’ touch dawns to her)

In the third day, Momo finally showed up in class. Looking completely normal, but before Sana could talk to her, Momo took a detour and went to the farthest seat in the back. Not even sparing Sana’s direction with a glance. Sana opted to talk to her by the end of the class, but before she could stand up, Momo has already left the classroom, with no words to spare.

(Momo thought Sana would understand, but Momo never gave Sana anything to know)

Sana couldn’t handle Momo’s silence any longer, so she follows her as the latter makes her way to somewhere Sana didn’t know. To her surprise, all she saw was Chaeyoung, seething with anger, and a punch being thrown to Momo’s face minutes after. She couldn’t hear much of the conversation, but the moment she did, it was more than enough to break her.

“Do you still love her?” Chaeyoung loudly asked. “Fucking answer it, Momo! Do you still love her?”

“I do! I still love Mina.” Momo shouts in frustration, Sana doesn’t bear to stay for a minute longer, she leaves the place with tears running down her face, and a crushed heart she couldn’t figure out.

“Not in the same way, Chaeyoung. I don’t want her back anymore. But a part of me, it would always love her - for the memories we had. We had good times; I could never forget those easily. Mina amplified my being, she was the other identical half of myself, we didn’t make a whole.”

“Then who does, Momo?” Momo doesn’t answer, but that only elicited an angrier shout from Chaeyoung “Then why the fuck are you ignoring her?!”

“She’s a field I could not figure out.”

“Because maybe you have to strike actual conversations with her? Damn it, Momo! You’re fucking smart, but this is such a stupid move.”

“I’ll just fix things with Mina.” Momo whispers. Irritation was all over Chaeyoung’s face.

“And leave Sana hanging?” Momo couldn’t answer. “Why do you think she could wait?”

“I need to make these dreams stop.”

“And hope you can figure something out?”

“And hope I can figure something out.”

Sana followed suit to whatever Momo was doing – ignoring each other’s existence. It’s really hard to love someone who’s the empty shell of themselves, even harder when they entrusted their being to a person that no one can try to take their place. Sana must’ve known it. She started spending lunch with Jihyo, who has been trying hard to free her schedules up because she’s enjoying the “impromptu dates” (as Jihyo calls it) with Sana. This day though, Jihyo was too busy as her duties caught up to her. Sana thought she’d be spending lunch alone (and she hates it), but Sana was surprised to see Chaeyoung occupying the seat she has been taking for almost a week now. The latter was still gripping her pencil, drawing another piece of work, perhaps another visual diary entry that she had to pass that’s due this week. Chaeyoung shoots her eyes up to see Sana, standing reluctantly holding her food.

“Hey, Sana.” Chaeyoung speaks. “I’ve been meaning to see you. Sorry for intruding your space.” Sana waves her hand in dismissal. Sana and Chaeyoung were quiet the whole hour. But as they part ways, Chaeyoung spoke once again.

“I miss having you around.” Sana didn’t know what to tell Chaeyoung.

“I miss it too, but,” Sana stopped for a minute, unable to form anything coherent to tell Chaeyoung. She couldn’t even tell her that she had heard their argument. “But don’t you think that’d be too cruel?” Sana vaguely answered. Chaeyoung was struck for a moment, she softly smiled and shook her head.

“Then, I’ll wait for the time where staying isn’t cruel.” Chaeyoung is already exhausted of being stuck in the middle for countless times. And as much as she is frustrated that it is Momo’s decision that brought them to this kind of stalemate, she thinks she is to blame, too. She had all the power and information Momo needed but withheld it. Leading to this downward spiral that seems to destroy every sliver of connection that Momo makes without meaning to.

Momo could’ve been happy. With Mina or Sana.

Chaeyoung just comforts herself with the thought that they’re old enough to deal with these things without the intervention of a third party.

(That night, while Momo was looking for Sana in her dreams, she finds herself confronted with Mina’s being everywhere she looked. Even the sun that lights the sky could not be found, instead the skies were greyish with the threat of the most torrential rains; however, in Sana’s dream, she could see Momo floating idly in the middle of the city’s pool, but she wasn’t alone, Sana could see herself with her, too. Their fingers interlaced against each other like otters fearing to drift apart in the hostile waters)

When Momo sees Mina, it was everything she envisioned it to be. The return of romance in the middle of hundreds of bodies, one finds the other’s eyes locked at theirs. They took a small silent moment until one takes the decisive step, in this case it’s Momo, it always has been. The song changes to the romantic tune that they used to listen to as Jeongyeon picks her guitar up and lets Nayeon to take the lead of the song. Momo could feel once again the brush of their skin against each other as they huddle close laughing at the antics of the trio. But the warmth isn’t fulfilling, the tips of her fingers were prickling to look for that specific heat that nestles itself in the crevices of her hands.

She just realized how cold Mina’s hands were. And how they’re even colder now.

Mina sustains her gaze, still dumbfounded that she’ll see Momo here. Momo draws closer, and Mina had to clench her fists to see if this is real. Only to be proven right when Momo’s hands brushes against hers.

She notices that Momo’s hands are warmer now.

“Mina-ya.” Momo speaks. Mina was still in shock to see Momo in flesh. All the time that they had visited the campus, Mina never found Momo – not even her shadow. “I know I told you this a lot of times, but can we talk?” Mina takes this as a sign. She was never the fervent believer of higher power influencing the systems here on Earth, she deduces that whatever “benevolent” figure that the humans have conjured over their stay in this plane of existence, could not exist. But for once, Mina wants to be selfish enough to thank that deity for taking the time to grant her wish.

Momo leads Mina to the rooftop, the moon in its magnificent sheer glow, and the skies were adorned with thousands of bright stars. This is the perfect ending for a romantic movie. Like a moment of confession, and millions of truths to be spilled only to be heard by the concrete floors and another heartbeat earnestly wondering how one could ever be this lucky.

Everything that Mina is, has been Momo’s dream. Like painted fairytales in the walls of her bedroom, or another story written in children’s books – she’s every wish and expectation. But Momo isn’t a kid forever, and what feels like love doesn’t feel the same. Sana feels like reality – the good, the bad, and the constant. She wasn’t fairytale, but she’s a diary. Sana is real, she lives in Momo’s life like she’s a natural component of it. As Momo orchestrates perfection with every meeting with Mina, mulling over the littlest of details to make it an impeccable scene straight out of movies; with Sana, it’s an unscripted clip, for some not even worth remembering, but for Momo, while she doesn’t remember every line and setting, she knows she is living. Whether she was walking, or listening, it was in her own volition. No rules to heed when they’re made along the way. Sana has always been compromising, Momo wills herself to reciprocate when she finally gets her shit together.

“Do you remember when we went camping with Nayeon and Jeongyeon?” Mina finally speaks, Momo was surprised to see Mina finally take the first step in a conversation. “When I asked you what’s the color of the moon?” Mina prods.

“And I say, it’s blue.” Mina nodded and Momo chuckled.

“I told myself when I was a kid, that when I meet my soulmate, I’d ask them what’s the color of the moon.”

“Anyone could’ve answered white.” Momo remarked.

“But you didn’t. That’s when I knew.” Mina smiled. Momo didn’t know that Mina believes in these kinds of superstitions. “I thought it’s a simple test, and I would’ve kissed you then and there. I think I love you a little more than you do, Momo. I think I want more things with you than you do with me.”

“We could’ve tried.”

“We were stubborn.”

“What held you back from telling me these things?”

“That I might hold you back.” Mina’s tears were streaming down her face. “I still love you.”

“I love you, too.” Momo whispers. “But not in the way you want me to now. The memories we had; they were great. You were my friend, before anything else after all.” Momo sighs. I’m still not keen with the idea of hurting you in any way.”

“But you must, Momo. We feared hurting each other that we caused hurt to the people around us, too.” Mina smiles. “That’s the only way that both of us can be free. I need the reality that you don’t want me so I can stop praying to a nameless god to bring you back to me.”

(That night, Momo’s sleep has been dreamless – the first time in ages. Sana is haunted by Momo in her dreams, she finds herself crashing against another body as she looked for a place in a dream without Momo – it was Jihyo).

**Author's Note:**

> First Fic in AO3 since ages. :D


End file.
